pupils wander towards the front of the room where strangers lounge, restless and full of increasing knowledge questioning, wandering, minds seeking answers and it's all i can do to not speak up in class, speak these words i have been holding in for it seems long.

i want to scream...i want to scream...

i can't stand humanity!

and run out of the room, dashing through the hallways, slamming doors open so all could see my wild run away from my life and give chase to the madness, all together in pursuit of something, the "IT" that dean described so vividly in On the Road, running east and west, back again, there again, never finding what we are looking for, but always searching, always looking, and FINDING things, but never it, no, never IT.

I want to figure out why I can't stand to be in a room of people for longer then 30 minutes, why, when i am in the company of friends i only long for the company of strangers. why do i cease to build friendships, i take steps towards hands that always seem to be outstretched, only to tire and jump back, away away away.

Or maybe i am scared? in the shower, rivulets of water streaming down my neck, shoulders, breasts, and i cling to my knees as if it is them and not the wall holding me up, and i try to think think think and reason my being into definite boundaries and borders, and make myself understandable, god damn it, because it's fine if no one else gets me, but at least i should get myself.

and i tell myself: "you are scared of friendship because of what happened this summer. your two best friends turned against you" and in my mind it seems like a whole conspiracy they construed, with the god of fate and circumstance on their side, but deep down, inside i know that shit just happens and when you've reached the peak of happiness, as i had found that week with them, the only way left to go is down, and down we did go, spiraling in a seemingly uncontrollable flow of passion, anger and hostility. and i took it out on myself, as i always do, because it seems fitting...and who doesn't, in one way or another, yearn to be the matyr?

but it wasn't this summer that spurred these actions. it seems all of my life i had been preparing for that moment, anyways. telling people i was leaving, i would never come back, i had to go, screaming, crying, deeming people too worthy and putting them on pedestals, holding on to nothing, burning posessions, climbing trees (secret yearnings to fall), and running, biking, swimming, anything, but always GOING.

i never put my heart into any relationship before ryan. all friendships were held at an arm's length, so i can see maybe withers of smiles and dreams, and for a moment they would grow closer to me, but never i to them. i didn't plan it that way, i just never felt drawn to anyone the way i felt drawn to ryan. and even then, i was struggling the whole way, even as i was being pulled in by his undertow, pulled up to his shore and sprawled out on the sand, grasping at sand, but it just dripped away from my palms.

i guess the reason i am so dissapointed in humanity is because everyone has their own secret agenda, their own reasons for not doing things and for doing things, and there is no such thing as complete love and complete honesty, because truth is constantly being screwed by the dick of greed and personal aggrandizement.
we're all fucking pathetic.